What They Don’t Want You To Know

You’re checking out your Facebook page, scrolling through fascinating posts like “I’m brushing my teeth,” or “Guess what’s my favorite song from High School Musical” which, to you, would be like saying,  “As my favorite instrument of torture, I’m torn between the rack and the iron maiden.”

You can see it out of the corner of your eye.  It’s over in the left column in the ads section.  You’ve been ignoring it for weeks, but it has become a fascination.

WHAT THE SHAMPOO COMPANIES DON’T WANT YOU TO KNOW

Arrrrgh!  Alright, what the heck. Click.

You are immediately whisked away to a super secret site on the World Wide Web that must be all encrypted with that military grade stuff you’ve heard about.  You start reading…

With a growing sense of alarm, you realize they were right!  There is a conspiracy!  Just look at some of this stuff:

“The part of the hair inside the follicle is known as the hair root, while the portion you see protruding from the head is the shaft.”

There’s a shaft protruding from your head!

“At the base of the hair root is the hair bulb where nutrients are received and new cells are formed.”

Receiving nutrients? New cells formed? It’s like the eggs of those alien creatures with the teeth and the more teeth coming out and the dripping and stuff! Sigourney save us!

“Within the hair follicle are the dermal papilla (You can feel the papilla squirming around up there!), a cone shaped protrusion (All kinds of protrudin’ going on!) at the base of the follicle which  feeds blood (Bold italics yours) to the hair bulb.”

Ye Gods! They’re sucking the blood from our brains!

THE THING PROTRUDING FROM YOUR HEAD

What do you do, what do you do!  How long has this been going on? Is the government in on it?  Okay, don’t panic.  You’ve got to think! You read on…

Okay wait! Thank God, there may be hope yet.  There’s a company in California that may have the answer.  The way they put it:

“Where would you pour fertilizer?”

Please don’t say on my head.

“On the leaves? Of course not!”

Oh wait–it’s an analogy.

“You’d pour the fertilizer on the root and the soil where it’s needed most.”

Well, okay, that makes sense.  Your breathing is getting back to normal and your heart rate slows to below ramming speed.  You read about the marvelous miracle called Kronodermoshaft, the fertilizer for your hair. And look how cute; the company has a nickname for it.  They call it The Shaft.

You click on the “ORDER NOW!” button and–Great balls of woolly yarn! You have to pay how much for The Shaft? At first you balk at the idea of having to tell your children their dreams of attending Harvard or Yale are toast, but you dutifully pull out your credit card anyway.  After all they have expert scientists that have been working in secret laboratories (They have pictures) for decades–probably without showering!

You click on the super fast parcel rate, because even if you have to pay a little more, the quicker you get The Shaft the better.

That done, you sigh a sigh of relief, click on the latest news page and–there it is.  You try to ignore it, but your eyes keep drifting over:

THE DIRTY LITTLE SECRET ABOUT UNDERARM DEODORANT

Oh dear God, no.

The Empirical Stalemate

On one side you have the secular humanists (atheists), some agnostics–although they really don’t have a dog in this fight–and over there, not standing too close to them and looking around uncomfortably, are the religious who don’t understand how the theory of evolution and Genesis chapter one are mutually exclusive.

On the other side you have old school creationists (Six real-time literal days), and relativity minded Christians who point out things like time is not a constant and the speed of light might not be feeling as swift as it used to either.  Add to this group the new kids in the neighborhood–the intelligent design crowd.  These folks are non-religious, but believe that the universe displays unmistakable signs of an intelligent author.  They are also considered thinly disguised creationist spies almost universally by the secular humanists.

For the sake of my theme here, we’ll put aside for  now the folks who have been running around the world for the last hundred and fifty years, trying to dig up the mythical unicorn missing link.  Also we won’t get into the apparent circular reasoning of the Biblical scholars who say they can prove the Bible is God’s word by using the information contained in the Bible.  Both are built on prepackaged assumptions.

Just the facts ma’am.  Or more to the point, just the empirical scientific information concerning the nature and structure of the universe.  Empirical information infers knowledge gained by means of observation, experience, or experiment.

Okay, both sides listen up.  Looking at the empirical data and the arguments on both sides objectively, there is only one inescapable conclusion: INCONCLUSIVE.

Yeah, yeah, you’re both going to come at me with all kinds of proof based on fitting the  data into your preconceived conclusions.  Yes I know there are amazing tiny molecular factories that couldn’t be the product of evolution, and yes Richard, I’ve seen your greatest show on earth and I know it just looks like it was designed.  Stop it, both of you!

There are no evolution facts.  The secular humanist arguments are all built on the shifty sand-like substance called presupposition.  Same with the creationist side from a purely empirical viewpoint.  Forget all that, I didn’t come here for a debate! I came here to ask one question.  It doesn’t even matter if  you don’t agree with anything I’ve written so far.

To my secular humanist friends, what if you’re right?

Yes I know you know you’re right, but what if you’re right? Have you really stopped to consider what that means?  Through history, the Pascal’s wager type questions–What if there really is a God after all?– have been extensively explored, but the alternative, not so much.

So what if you are right?

Let’s say, somehow we discover undisputed, conclusive, slam dunk evidence that all this just happened accidentally.  That we are just a mistake in the cosmic nothingness.  So after you pop the corks from the champagne bottles, taunt the religious morons (“Nanny nanny boo boo, we were right and you were wrong!”) and sing We are the Champions what then?

Yay! Now we know that this life is all there is, such as it is. We can relax and wait for oblivion.  Hallelujah, we won! Praise…nobody.

So you wasted all that time and energy debating on the side of, for all practical purposes, cosmic doom.  You grew up, went to school, made friends, fell in love, had good times, had bad times, maybe even had kids.

For what?

mk out.

P.H.O.B.E.

They were in a struggle for the hearts and minds of the peasantry.  The hated opposition was gaining ground steadily.  Researchers were working feverishly round the clock on a new doomsday weapon to replace the aging and increasingly less effective R.A.C.I.S.T. bomb.  Then one night–yes it was a dark and stormy night–the leader of the research team opened the door to the lab, walked out and said, “We have it.”

Okay, maybe that’s not exactly how it happened.  But somebody came up with the idea of phobe, the handy little suffix you can stick on the end of a hot button term and throw it like a missile at an opponent.  You can do so many things with phobe:  you can use it to change the direction of a debate, especially if you’re losing; you can make your opponent stammer and get all defensive; heck, you can even make opponents so afraid to bring up a subject that you won’t even have to use phobe again.

That’s the power of phobe.

According to The American Heritage Medical Dictionary, phobe means:  “One that fears or is averse to a specified thing.”  An example is xenophobe which is a fear of xenos.

Here’s how it works.  Let’s say I didn’t particularly like the name Phoebe (pronounced feebee).  Mind you, I liked the actual people (mostly women) named Phoebe, I just didn’t care for the name.  And let’s say one of these people named Phoebe took offense at my not liking the name Phoebe.  Well then, this person (Who I personally find quite attractive and a lovely person) could accuse me of being a Phoebephobe in a fit of unreasonable and petty anger you stupid b–oh, sorry.

Let’s look at another example.  Say there’s someone who is a lying murdering bastard.  This person goes around being a bastard, lying and participating in the occasional murder.  Now you’re a pretty laid back individual and if this person wants to be a bastard, hey it’s a free country.  Lying, well, as long as it doesn’t involve something serious like your actual weight or how fast you were really going, no harm done.  But the murder part…

So one day you speak up and say, “Hey I don’t think you should murder,”  and then someone points at you and screams “Lyingmurderingbastardphobe!”  Well, now you’re in a pickle.  On the one hand you have a legitimate concern about murder, but you also don’t want to be known as a Lyingmurderingbastardphobe either.  Embarrassed and confused, you slink away like a whipped ferret.

Fear not my furry friend! I have the answer: Path.

Path means one affected by a specified kind of disorder.

Here’s what you do the next time someone throws a phobomissle at you.  Catch it.  Remove the phobe from whatever term it is connected to.  Attach the path to the end of the phobe.

You now have a phobopath.

Now take your phobopath and throw it at your tormentor.  You may even want to call out something like, “Hey, are you one of those phobopaths?”  Or, “Stop being so phobopathic!”  Make sure to sell it with lots of derision.  Now watch them run away sobbing.

Your welcome,

mk out

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mk out.