You’re checking out your Facebook page, scrolling through fascinating posts like “I’m brushing my teeth,” or “Guess what’s my favorite song from High School Musical” which, to you, would be like saying, “As my favorite instrument of torture, I’m torn between the rack and the iron maiden.”
You can see it out of the corner of your eye. It’s over in the left column in the ads section. You’ve been ignoring it for weeks, but it has become a fascination.
WHAT THE SHAMPOO COMPANIES DON’T WANT YOU TO KNOW
Arrrrgh! Alright, what the heck. Click.
You are immediately whisked away to a super secret site on the World Wide Web that must be all encrypted with that military grade stuff you’ve heard about. You start reading…
With a growing sense of alarm, you realize they were right! There is a conspiracy! Just look at some of this stuff:
“The part of the hair inside the follicle is known as the hair root, while the portion you see protruding from the head is the shaft.”
There’s a shaft protruding from your head!
“At the base of the hair root is the hair bulb where nutrients are received and new cells are formed.”
Receiving nutrients? New cells formed? It’s like the eggs of those alien creatures with the teeth and the more teeth coming out and the dripping and stuff! Sigourney save us!
“Within the hair follicle are the dermal papilla (You can feel the papilla squirming around up there!), a cone shaped protrusion (All kinds of protrudin’ going on!) at the base of the follicle which feeds blood (Bold italics yours) to the hair bulb.”
Ye Gods! They’re sucking the blood from our brains!
What do you do, what do you do! How long has this been going on? Is the government in on it? Okay, don’t panic. You’ve got to think! You read on…
Okay wait! Thank God, there may be hope yet. There’s a company in California that may have the answer. The way they put it:
“Where would you pour fertilizer?”
Please don’t say on my head.
“On the leaves? Of course not!”
Oh wait–it’s an analogy.
“You’d pour the fertilizer on the root and the soil where it’s needed most.”
Well, okay, that makes sense. Your breathing is getting back to normal and your heart rate slows to below ramming speed. You read about the marvelous miracle called Kronodermoshaft, the fertilizer for your hair. And look how cute; the company has a nickname for it. They call it The Shaft.
You click on the “ORDER NOW!” button and–Great balls of woolly yarn! You have to pay how much for The Shaft? At first you balk at the idea of having to tell your children their dreams of attending Harvard or Yale are toast, but you dutifully pull out your credit card anyway. After all they have expert scientists that have been working in secret laboratories (They have pictures) for decades—probably without showering!
You click on the super fast parcel rate, because even if you have to pay a little more, the quicker you get The Shaft the better.
That done, you sigh a sigh of relief, click on the latest news page and–there it is. You try to ignore it, but your eyes keep drifting over:
THE DIRTY LITTLE SECRET ABOUT UNDERARM DEODORANT
Oh dear God, no.